Written, Produced & Performed by Kai Straw


I'm so damn happy
I don't have a chick
And I don't have money, so I won't spend it
I'm a broke fuck
So what? You'll be on my dick when I blow up
So I'ma appreciate alone time with my scrotum
Before you blow 'em, speakin' of blow I'm
Gonna get some coke, do it off a model, probably foreign
Then I'ma drink 'till my brain's done, then pop a vein, son
I'll become an addict so my movie's real amazing
Then I'ma date an actress, break-up, it'll be real dramatic
On gossip rags, on the cover sayin, 'Kai's a Faggot"
(beat) I can't wait for that shit
I'll get surgery so that my face will look plastic
Then I'll become a mockery
the Fans fuckin' stalkin' me
Then the paparazzi will hunt down my mom and me
And then she'll die young and they'll blast it on the news
Then YouTube will have a flick of me cryin' at the fuckin' funeral

And then I'll never get married cuz I'm all about loneliness
All about touring and my album and promoting it
It'll be so great, I'll lose all my friends then
Marry myself, and have my money as my best men
Then my investments will fail, go to jail
My record label will bail me outa my cell, and tell
Me I owe them my life, it's only right that
I stay in their arms, like I'm some motherfuckin' triceps
Then my debt will fly so high that the sky can
hold 'em in the clouds for the IRS to find it
I can't wait for all of this
I'll be hotter than the sun in August
Chillin' on a poster in a room with your daughters
Hours fly by, lookin' in the mirror
And I'll not see me like I'm the motherfuckin' fuhrer
Buehler, can't school me bro
Game's fuckin' foul, I'll see you at the free throw, yeah

If I ever made it, I would probably Kurt Kobaine it
Maybe have red walls and us my motherfuckin' brain to paint it
Or maybe the lady that I'm dating will take the mercedes
and leave a baby with a personal letter saying, "This is Daisy.
It's your own damn fault for not strappin' up and I'll
make sure to scrape the 'cedes when I'm backin' up"
Then I'll fire my servants, go on some errans
I'll be scizephronic, have a conversation with curtains
Then the whole world will poke fun at me for bein'
mentally gone and not there, like I'm just an idea
And not a real man behind the lies you guys here
and that'll make me wish I could rewind to my high chair
And never start rapping and goin' back to just laughin'
And wonder what fame would be like if it happened
Like right now in this rap before I blow up, you know what?
The happiest I'll ever be is as a broke fuck


from To Pearl Whitney, From Howland Grouse In Loathing, released September 6, 2012



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Kai Straw San Francisco, California

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