Written/Produced/Performed by Kai Straw


What if my nose just closes
What if my lungs collapse
attacked by the black smoke I've chosen
to inhale, openly
I think my teeth are moving
around my gums, loosening
I swear it, the pain is there it's
keeping me up enough
I can't verify it
I've been
thinking it's fantasizing
but why then
have I been having these headache's inside my
head, maybe it's a benine tumor
and I'll die sooner
if I don't get it scanned by the man
with the white coat or the grey suit on
with the couch that I'll lay soon on
But.. maybe I need it
No, that's some weak shit, I'm not weak, shit
I'm strong willed, I'll think my way out of the feeling
and kill it, but I have to think about it still
so it grows stronger with each of my attempts to
Nobody likes me, I bet
and I'll pretend I don't care, but I still do
and I can't dance but what I will do
is get drunk and embarrassed
and wake up at my parents
with my heart dropping at thoughts of
the night prior, and see that I'm a liar
when drunk or high or
Let me check if my bone's severed
I'm good, then I'll do the same thing tonight until forever
I'm a creature of habit, God
and I don't believe, yawn
But I'll pray anytime I'm down or lose my cell phone
Cell phone
That line will be out of date in like a day
and I'll view it as archaic
in the future, like now mentioning a pager to you
And while I'm at it, this beat's overdramatic and let me add that
I'm a hypochondriac if you haven't noticed that
My head's too big, my eyes too close together
and my skin's too white and eyes, blue, but forgettable
I'm a broken human, imperfect and immersed in
the business of caring what everybody says my worth is
I'm ugly, I say that on a nightly basis
and the only way I stop is by getting fucked up, wasted
And I'm stupid and I'm useless
that's the chorus, the music,
that plays anytime I try anything new is
these self-conscious views I'm
trying to break that habit
through confessional rapping
But the fact that I rap is so embarrassing that
I don't mention it anyone
and at my shows, if any come,
I'll want to hide
because I know it'll be me they're making fun of
Damn, I sound like a wreck of a man
I can pick myself apart better than anyone I know can
and how does that help me? It doesn't in the slightest
And though I know it,
it keeps ringing in my head like my tinnitus,



from To Pearl Whitney, From Howland Grouse In Loathing, released September 6, 2012



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Kai Straw San Francisco, California

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